Who are you?

What I loved about The Joy Luck Club is the backgrounds of all the characters which is central to their stories. It got me thinking about how much a person's past can alter their future. I think we often forget to not pass judgement on people we do not know, and afterwards we feel shocked when our mental expectations of them are shattered. I loved how even though all of June's aunties shared the common background of China, each had a different struggle to shape who they ultimately became and how they raised their children. One of the biggest examples is the story of June's mother, Suyuan. When she was fleeing China, she was forced to jettison her two twin daughters. She left them by a tree with all of her valuable belongings in the hope that someone will pick them up and care for them. When she came to the U.S., she married again and had June. Suyuan believed that she passed down all of her sorrow and hope for her lost daughters to June, which is why June grew up with so much pressure on her shoulders. Yet, Suyuan never told June her story, or anything about her daughters in China, when she was alive. When June finally heard everything from her father, she realized why her mother was the way she was. This goes to prove how everyone has a unique past or upbringing that defines them and makes them who they are and who they become. This aspect of The Joy Luck Club intrigued me the most.

Loss

Loss is paralyzing and life-ruining.
It is not enough time to say goodbye,
and it leaves you sad and in pain.

But it is not the end of life.
It is a new way of thought and action.
It helps you grow and understand,
and you learn that it cannot break you.

Twins Are Not Alike

Dear Diary,
     Don't I deserve love? True, I am arguably the most romantically challenged but please, my sister? I met Thomas first, we felt that initial connection. It isn't fair how Jenny always gets what she wants through her manipulative ways! I do not wish to show my jealous side, but diary, I am hurt. I am more hurt than I let on. Every moment she is with him, I grieve inside. When Thomas is around me, I forget how strong and confident I am. I become weak at the knees and i cannot change my reaction. it is always a competition with her, since we were little. And I finally have something to myself! Jenny cannot bare to be left out of what I have, with the exception of my career. She swooped in at the most perfect moment and consoled Thomas in his most vulnerable state. I saw her and what was coming, but I did not do anything. I watched it all unfold, and I eventually saw them get married before Thomas left for war. Diary, losing Christian, Thomas, and James to the cold grasp of the army has really left me internally shaken up, but I have to stay strong. I have to stay strong not only for myself, but for mother and Bonnie. They need me and I will always be there for them.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mime in an Invisible Box

I feel claustrophobic in my own body. Although this is not an all day, everyday type of situation, it has a significant impact me me. If you think about it, everyone you've ever met and interacted with in your entire life knows you by your personality and appearance. Everything you have ever said or done follows you and you cannot shake it off. However, sometimes you feel like you need to step out of your own body and breathe as "no one", but you realize that you can't. Personally, I need to take brakes often because I get stressed out and anxious extremely easily, but I cannot seem to escape the confinement of my own body, if that makes any sense. It seems weird to say that I cannot be my authentic self in my body, but sometimes that's the case. When expectations and life in general pile up on me, my inner self seems to want to disown me for a while. It makes me feel very uneasy when I realize that that's impossible, and I start to feel overwhelmed and sad. The perfect example is my junior year of high school. College scares and stresses combined with a horrible year and unenjoyable classes makes for a tough time. I struggled not academically or physically, but emotionally. I was drained and fed up all the time and I just need a brake from myself for 5 minutes. When the realization sets in that everything is too real and needs to get done in the moment, I would panic. I felt like I was being suffocated, which in turn made me feel super claustrophobic. The past seems to be repeating itself this year because its starting to feel a little crammed in here. However, I've learned to deal with it by taking naps more often and drinking coffee. That's the perfect solution to life's problems, naps and coffee. But in all seriousness, it was tough at first, but facing your situations head on is key, and I certainly still need to work on that.

The Silent

     After a long night of partying, Angie finally came home and flopped onto her rusty rose colored sheets and knocked out. She didn't care if she made noise tonight, the only other person living with her was her mom, and she was at an overnight business meeting in a town a few hours away. But she was used to living this way; sneaking in during the early morning hours, avoiding the fact that she's filthy and needs to brush her teeth, all the while reeking of alcohol and despair. Angie's a wise girl, even though it might not seem like it. She'd taken on the party lifestyle after her father left her family and depression consumed her. It was the only way she could cope with her feelings, cliche right? That's what she thought, and it made her feel even worse. The writing on her walls stared at her as she slept. Feelings, song lyrics, swears, you name it and it was there. She liked writing, it was her secret forte, her mini getaway. Tonight, the writing was screaming, giving her a warning that her world would turn into a hackneyed horror movie plot in 3, 2, 1.
     She awoke to heavy footsteps on the second floor only 2 hours into her slumber. At first she thought it was the alcohol messing around with her head, but quickly she realized the footsteps were impossible because the room above hers used to be her late grandmother's. The only thing in there was an old, crooked painting of a vase with flowers and a squeaky mattress. "Something isn't right", she thought. "No one is supposed to be home tonight..." Suddenly, she heard loud thumping and sharp scraping, almost unnatural. And then, lots of silence. Silence, until something began walking slowly and eerily down the stairs. Chills rushed down her back and her head and arms began to pulsate with her heartbeat. It was coming toward the bedrooms. Angie began to sweat, her mind couldn't think from fear. What seemed like an eternity later, her muscles forced her to get up quietly, open her window, and jump onto her backyard just as her door opened slowly and something breathed hard. Angie slowly backed away from the window as the thing, person, or animal, walked up to the glass. They saw each other, and that was just what she feared most. Half a second later, it was gone, and Angie began to run. She didn't have time to circle around the house, so she ran straight into the blackness of the woods.
   
   

Who is Jane Eyre?

     When I think of Jane Eyre, I see a complicated girl. However, complicated in the best way. She is so diverse, so complex, it is hard not to admire her. Jane has been through a roller coaster of events and emotions throughout the early part of her womanhood, and all these things combined shaped her into the strong woman that she became. 

     Below is a picture that I drew displaying all of the things that represent Jane Eyre in my eyes. The apple and the book signify that Jane is a learned and intelligent woman. She becomes a teacher, something she truly loves. Next, the hiding heart represents Jane's complicated relationship with love. First, Mrs. Reed showed her nothing but neglect and hatred. Then, she feels true love with one of the best friends she ever had, Helen, who ends up passing away and crushing Jane. Finally, she meets and falls in love with Mr. Rochester, a man who breaks her heart, but in the end they marry. Furthermore, the leaves and the flowers in the "N" signify Jane's free spirit and appreciation for nature. In addition, the grassy land with sprouting flowers represents Jane as a foundation. Wherever she walks, she brings kindness, love, and caring. However, she is also strong and people can depend on her for anything. Next, the bloody "E" represents all of Jane's misfortunes and hurting. Mrs. Reed, Helen, and the deceit of Mr. Rochester definitely had an effect on her, but they caused her to grow wiser and more independent. The sun and the thunderstorm also display Jane's life. She went through periods of lamenting, as well as periods of incredible happiness. She has sprung back from every obstacle with impeccable determination and strength and that is one of the qualities that I love most about her.

     The quote that in my opinion greatly describes Jane reads, "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will..." ( Ch. 23, Page 284). This is the reason why I drew a bird in the top right corner. The bird is Jane. She knows what she wants and what makes her happy based on her own set of morals and she is not afraid to pursue it. Like I mentioned before, she is a free spirit who lives her life the way she wishes to, and I greatly admire that about her. She was not afraid to stand up for what she believed was right, and that is what makes her the incredible Jane Eyre.

Life Goes On...

Dear Diary,
     I am torn. I do not know what will become of me in the near future. I am confused because my beloved Mr. Rochester has deceived me. He did not mention of his crazy wife Bertha and he went ahead and married me. I do not understand how he could have thought that I would be understanding. I trusted this man with my life, and he took me for a fool! I know that the right choice is leaving, and I will, but it pains me. I felt safe and unconditionally happy with him here in Thornfield. For once in my life I thought that things had taken a turn for the better and I can be happy. I felt like he understood me so well and we could give each other a hard time and enjoy every second of it. However, I never believed that such an intelligent and strong man could be so needy and irritable, but he showed his true colors. Can u believe that he took my hand in his strong grip and hurt me out of fury? My body shook and trembled, but my choice was set. I only angered him further, but right then I knew I was making the right decision. His constant pleading and cries only solidified my choice. I cannot sit here and take all of this nonsense. I need to leave while I still can and never look back. All that I have imagined is now broken, but it is better than questioning my husband for the rest of my life. I am nervous for what God has in store for me from now on, but hopefully he will let me move on. This is by far one of the most painful days of my life, but as I have learned, love hurts.

                                                                                                               Jane E.

Props to the Amazing Jane Eyre

     Throughout the first 21 chapters of Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte, readers see Jane transforming into a wise young woman before their eyes. Jane matured greatly, and she learned the power of love and forgiveness. However, she was not so reasonable in the beginning.
     When Jane was young, she was living with her Aunt Reed and cousins in Gateshead. Her aunt was relentless, she did not want to care for Jane and constantly reminded her of what a burden she was. Jane had every right to feel angry and neglected, but at times she acted instead of thinking first, such as in chapter 4 before she is sent off to Lowood. Jane yells at Mrs. Reed, “I am glad you are no relation of mine. I will never call you aunt again as long as I live. I will never come to visit you when I am grown up; and if any one asks me how I liked you, and how you treated me, I will say the very thought of you makes me sick, and that you treated me with miserable cruelty.” She would later learn that one should not always try to get revenge on the other, but rather accept the differences and act as civil as possible. If mature Jane had been there in that moment, I know she would have handled things quite differently.
Furthermore, readers really see Jane changing when she enters Lowood, her new school. There she meets and establishes a life changing relationship with an intelligent girl named Helen Burns. Helen is the polar opposite of Jane. She respects and understands the criticisms of others and does not let anything get to her. Additionally, she does not take things too personally and overreact, like Jane does. Helen taught Jane the importance of forgiveness and not seeking revenge. Vengeance and enmity will never get you far in life. Moreover, Helen's death was like a wake up call to Jane. Jane looked up to Helen so much so that her death sparked a change in Jane's entire character, a change for the better.
Finally, the audience witnesses the power of Jane's transformation when she is called back to Gateshead more than 10 years after she left. One of her cousins committed suicide and Mrs. Reed had suffered a stroke in the aftermath. Old Jane would have easily brushed it off and felt happy about Mrs. Reed finally getting what she deserved. Yet, she packed her bags for a few weeks stay and traveled the long journey back to Gateshead. While there, she realized that Mrs. Reed's hostility was still as strong as ever, and nothing had changed. One night, Jane tried to once and for all make things right. “Dear Mrs. Reed, think no more of all this, let it pass away from your mind. Forgive me for my passionate language. I was a child then; eight, nine years have passed since that day" (Ch 21). Jane portrayed significant character change by pleading a truce to her dying aunt. This moment would have been unimaginable for young Jane, but she no longer existed. A strong woman was now in her place, doing all she could to make matters right.
From an 8 year old girl to an 18 year old woman, Jane had been through hell and back. However, all of her experiences had shaped her into the learned and independent woman that she became. With Helen's short yet fulfilling presence and Jane's own merit, plus a number of other contributors, Jane matured greatly and discovered the power of forgiveness.

Моят Дом

     A person goes through so many experiences throughout his life that shape him into the person that he is today. They can be brief moments or a long stretch of time, but they can mean the world to the possessor. Personally, I know that I have been through a plethora of different encounters and situations, having a life in two polar opposite countries and all. However, I'm not complaining, it is actually quite fun having two so very diverse lives. I have annoyed innumerable people with my endless random stories surrounding my upbringing, but hopefully they will now realize just how much this small little country means to my family and I.
     A really big part of my life is Bulgaria. I was born and raised there until I was about eight years old. At that point, I moved to the United States, where I am today. I am fortunate enough to go back every summer to see the rest of my family, but truth be told, sometimes I wish I had never moved. The whole atmosphere and way of life is different, more relaxed. Countless things remind me of Bulgaria on a daily basis, and they do not let me forget who I am and where I came from.
   When I was walking through the Botanical Gardens near Niagara Falls and I saw a dozen different rose bushes sprouting happily all about, it immediately reminded me of of the Rose Valley back home. Bulgaria is one of the leading rose product sellers worldwide and I lived right in the heart of the production. My grandparents, mother, and father grew up gathering roses which grew in the plains of the Balkans. Roses are of such significance to me that I named the first car I drove Rose and I wear a rose ring on my left index finger everyday.
     I time travel back to my summers sitting under the shade of a big umbrella with a cappuccino in hand people watching (which is quite common in Europe) whenever I see a cute, artsy, or "Instagram-able" cafe somewhere. You know how most Americans know Italy to have adorable streets where cars cannot pass, a long line of little hipster cafes right next to one another, and people strolling leisurely and gesticulating every word that comes out of their mouth? Well, Bulgaria is a spitting image of that, really. Europeans intake a ridiculous amount of coffee each day, such as one when you wake up, one at lunch, two or three in the afternoon, and usually one before dinner. I cannot help but be transported back to my childhood, before I could drink coffee, sipping on my "Cappy" orange juice and playing with the kids I just met sitting at the table right next to ours. Oh, the good old days.
     One of the biggest sights that take me back to where I came from is water. Whenever I drive past a scenic river in the United States, I'm taken back to the Balkans. My grandparents have a villa about two miles from the base of the Balkans and it's tradition for me to walk through the seemingly never ending, golden plains every year to get to them. There is this one enormous river that flows down the mountain that my friends and I dive into, which is very bad for you because you might as well jump into a tub full of ice, but there is something about being in the midst of something to beautiful and natural that makes you forget about the world for a moment. I miss it terribly sometimes. Another staple of my childhood was the Black Sea. When I see the ocean, an image of endless sun, silky sand, children running and screaming about, and thousands of men in Speedos come to mind. I have learned to deal, but I still shudder a little when they walk past me. If you ever get the change to travel around Europe, do it, you will not regret a single second of it. We are a carefree and strange, although in a good way, group of people who love to have a good time and create long lasting memories.
     There are many other examples of places and memories that have shaped me into the well-rounded and fun young woman that I am today, but I'm afraid this blog will turn into a book if I was to keep going. I cannot bear to wait any longer for what adventures the future has in store for me, but, sadly, time traveling has not been invented yet. I'm left with my memories, ring, photos, and about half a million of souvenirs and magnets that my mom has plastered all over our fridge and house because apparently we are tourists in our own country. See you next summer, BG.

                                                                                                 Love,
                                                                                                           Mari