Twins Are Not Alike

Dear Diary,
     Don't I deserve love? True, I am arguably the most romantically challenged but please, my sister? I met Thomas first, we felt that initial connection. It isn't fair how Jenny always gets what she wants through her manipulative ways! I do not wish to show my jealous side, but diary, I am hurt. I am more hurt than I let on. Every moment she is with him, I grieve inside. When Thomas is around me, I forget how strong and confident I am. I become weak at the knees and i cannot change my reaction. it is always a competition with her, since we were little. And I finally have something to myself! Jenny cannot bare to be left out of what I have, with the exception of my career. She swooped in at the most perfect moment and consoled Thomas in his most vulnerable state. I saw her and what was coming, but I did not do anything. I watched it all unfold, and I eventually saw them get married before Thomas left for war. Diary, losing Christian, Thomas, and James to the cold grasp of the army has really left me internally shaken up, but I have to stay strong. I have to stay strong not only for myself, but for mother and Bonnie. They need me and I will always be there for them.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Mime in an Invisible Box

I feel claustrophobic in my own body. Although this is not an all day, everyday type of situation, it has a significant impact me me. If you think about it, everyone you've ever met and interacted with in your entire life knows you by your personality and appearance. Everything you have ever said or done follows you and you cannot shake it off. However, sometimes you feel like you need to step out of your own body and breathe as "no one", but you realize that you can't. Personally, I need to take brakes often because I get stressed out and anxious extremely easily, but I cannot seem to escape the confinement of my own body, if that makes any sense. It seems weird to say that I cannot be my authentic self in my body, but sometimes that's the case. When expectations and life in general pile up on me, my inner self seems to want to disown me for a while. It makes me feel very uneasy when I realize that that's impossible, and I start to feel overwhelmed and sad. The perfect example is my junior year of high school. College scares and stresses combined with a horrible year and unenjoyable classes makes for a tough time. I struggled not academically or physically, but emotionally. I was drained and fed up all the time and I just need a brake from myself for 5 minutes. When the realization sets in that everything is too real and needs to get done in the moment, I would panic. I felt like I was being suffocated, which in turn made me feel super claustrophobic. The past seems to be repeating itself this year because its starting to feel a little crammed in here. However, I've learned to deal with it by taking naps more often and drinking coffee. That's the perfect solution to life's problems, naps and coffee. But in all seriousness, it was tough at first, but facing your situations head on is key, and I certainly still need to work on that.